Men usually want their partners to enjoy and desire sex as much as they do. And while their intentions are often genuinely good, sex doesn’t always end up being enjoyable for women. If women don’t find pleasure in the experience, why would they want more of it? The good news is: great sex can be learned, and it’s worth the effort from everyone involved.

While it’s hard to generalize, there are a few things many men mistakenly believe women love during sex. In reality, the picture is often more nuanced. Let’s look at five common misconceptions and explore how we can become more aware of our own behavior during sex — regardless of gender — and recognize that our partner’s physical sensations may be completely different from ours. Unless we communicate what feels good, our partner won’t be able to guess.

1. Going Straight to the Main Event

For many men, the thought of sex or the sight of a half-naked woman is enough to turn them on instantly. But unless a woman is in a particularly high-libido phase of her life, she usually needs a lot more — especially on a regular weekday evening. It’s important to take time and allow arousal to build gradually. The female body is entirely erogenous, not just the breasts and genitals. The more her whole body is engaged — through hugs and widespread caressing — the more she can immerse herself. Feeling safe is crucial for female orgasm, and by not rushing things (even if a quick, passionate encounter can also be exciting at times), there’s more time to enjoy gentle touches.

2. Penetrating Without Looking

Many women have a complex relationship with their bodies and genitals — and like men, they appreciate recognition and compliments. At the start of intimacy, take a moment to look at each other’s genitals and say something kind. There’s no need to go overboard — just notice and say something genuinely appealing. Even with a casual partner, this small gesture is worth making. After all, these are the body parts you’re going to be touching, tasting, and smelling. It leads to better sex, opens up more relaxed conversation about potentially awkward topics, and boosts confidence — which is sexy for everyone.

3. Rubbing = Bad Sex

Fast, rough touches and jackhammer-like motions are staples in many porn scenes — and they often sneak into our bedrooms. But both male and female genitals are sensitive and full of nerve endings. Too much speed or pressure — such as rapid fingering — can numb the area or even cause pain. The clitoris and surrounding areas need gentle attention. Rubbing it harshly, especially with dry hands, is a big no. Even in the heat of passion, it’s worth starting with at least 10 minutes of vulva-stroking. This is the key to getting the female body truly aroused, ready to welcome penetration, and actually enjoy it. Women tend to warm up more slowly — but once they do, they can often go on forever. That extra time is well worth it.

4. Constantly Changing Positions

The acrobatics in adult films might look stimulating, but real-life female orgasms work differently. A woman’s body doesn’t switch into wild pleasure mode at the push of a button. Women — and many of their male partners too — don’t enjoy it when a pleasurable movement is abruptly replaced with something else after just 30 seconds.

Instead of frequently switching positions or types of touch, it’s better to pay attention to your partner’s feedback. If something feels good, continue it with the same pressure and rhythm. Give her time to enjoy it. Rushing kills pleasure. One of the hardest but most rewarding skills is allowing yourself time to fully feel pleasure — and trusting that your partner isn’t bored just because you’re in the spotlight for a while.

5. The Penis Is Not a Magic Wand

In both romantic and porn films, women seem to have loud, instant orgasms from penetration alone — sometimes from just touching the penis. That’s far from reality. This isn’t to say women don’t love penises, but let’s focus on the physical side of female pleasure. Since authentic depictions of women’s orgasms and masturbation are rare, many people grow up thinking what they see on screen is real.

It’s important to understand that the vagina is not an inside-out penis. While penetration can feel incredible and vaginal orgasms are real, without proper arousal, quick and forceful thrusting — the infamous “jackhammer sex” — often brings little pleasure. A slow entrance and steady rhythm are much better. Meanwhile, clitoral stimulation — even all the way to orgasm — enhances everything. And it doesn’t take anything away from your partner’s manhood or penis skills. Watching how you respond during both masturbation and partnered sex can teach you:

• What works for you?
• What’s your ideal pace?
• What feels really good?

After sex, talk openly about what felt good and what was exciting. It’s crucial to understand how your own body works and to show and tell your partner what feels good for you.

Although many partners are observant and attentive, they can’t feel your body for you — and they’re not supposed to. Partners are usually relieved when they don’t have to read minds and are happy to follow clear, specific requests. It takes a bit of courage to speak up, but it’s absolutely worth it.